How to process grief, heartbreak, and pains the right way
A brief overview on how not to waste your pain
When my dad passed, for reasons I can’t and couldn’t explain, I didn’t cry. I mean, I didn’t shed a single tear.
I was squatting with some brethren in the community where my parents lived, and because school was on a nationwide strike, I was working in a metal and steel company.
The brethren with me were surprised to see me getting ready for work the next day as if nothing had happened.
I was also surprised at myself.
I did not have a bad relationship with my dad, so I knew my response was not out of sentiment. I had no explanation. All I knew was that ‘the deed had been done, and that’s it.’ Why it didn’t lead to tears, I did not know.
Later on, I would read about how people process grief differently.
Some are spontaneous.
Instantly bursting into tears, rolling on the floor, or screaming. Which is very normal and okay.
Scripture is not against mourning or crying. It only says we should not mourn as unbelievers who have no hope.
So even in moments of grief, we know that our pain is only because of the temporal physical absence of these beloved ones. And thus, we are comforted even in mourning.
Now, some other persons process grief internally.
They may not cry or shout, but within them is a truckload of pain.
I soon began to think that perhaps this was my case. Maybe it was; I still don’t know. But one thing I know is that, during that period, I asked lots of questions, but to no one in particular. I found my answers primarily in God’s word. And this is where my exhortation today begins.
Just like the passing of my dad, your pain could be the loss of a job, a sibling, or a lover. Maybe your fifteenth relationship just failed, and you’re already getting frustrated with life and everything around you. You may not have eaten any decent meals in the past week, or your wardrobe is begging for attention. Your boss may hate or oppress you, or your family members may be the clog in your wheel.
Whatever the trouble is, God uses it to do something greater in us.
The popular scripture in Romans 5:3 says, “we should rejoice when we run into problems and trials.”
But why?
The response Apostle Paul gives here is very interesting.
Romans 5:3:
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.”
He says we should rejoice because “problems and trials help us develop endurance”, right?
No, that’s not exactly what he says.
We easily miss the phrase “for we know.”
Apostle Paul says to rejoice because you KNOW that problems develop our patience. This means if you DO NOT KNOW that when we encounter problems our patience develops, you WILL NOT REJOICE. And if you do not “rejoice,” that problem or pain will be WASTED because you will respond in a way that will not lead to the development of your patience. This is why believers go through hard times and yet are not TRANSFORMED.
They did not KNOW that troubles can lead to TRANSFORMATION.
So, in case you do not yet know, realise today that your troubles CAN lead to the ‘salvation’ of your soul.
Let me explain better.
Apostle Paul did not stop at patience; he traced it to the salvation of our souls, which is a term used to mean our transformation or maturity.
Romans 5:3-4:
[3] We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. [4] And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
So, from patience we end at the hope of our salvation.
Now, this hope of salvation is not the one received at new birth, because he’s speaking to believers here. They were already saved.
So, what hope is he referring to?
James 1:2-4:
[2] My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; [3] Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. [4] But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
So, “let patience have her perfect work” here is what Paul explained in Romans 5:3-4.
The perfect work is the journey from patience to character to hope.
So, at the point where patience has had its perfect work, you would be entire, wanting nothing; in other words, that problem has fulfilled something great in you. You would have matured or transformed at the end of the day.
Now this transformation does not happen in passivity. From patience to character to the development of the hope of the salvation of your souls is not a passive walk.
Of course, you know what the process is like when you’re in trouble. There are diverse curves and experiences that furnish knowledge in you.
Some may require you to go get materials and consume.
Some will require you to lock yourself up and seek the Lord.
Others may require you to go into fasting and prayers or intense Bible study.
Doing these is how you are “letting patience have her perfect work.” That’s how you are transitioning from “patience to character to transformation.”
But if you DO NOT KNOW this process, you’d easily waste your pains. Do you now see why that first emphasis on KNOWING that troubles can lead to your transformation is very important?
So, what James called “patient’s perfect work” is what Paul explained in Romans 5:3-4.
Now, let’s read 1 Peter.
1 Peter 1:6:
[6] So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. [9] The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.
Again, Peter is speaking to believers. He’s telling them the same thing Paul and James said. He’s telling them that they should rejoice and endure the trials and tribulations because it will lead to their transformation.
Peter calls it here, “The salvation of your souls.”
This “salvation of the soul” is what Paul was referring to when he said,
Romans 5:4:
[4] And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident HOPE OF SALVATION.
Whenever salvation is used for a believer, it is often referring to the maturity of his soul, as we have seen in James, Romans, and 1 Peter. Some theology refers to it as the sanctification of the believer. Sanctification, not just a one-time thing, but an ongoing one. This is the process by which your soul conforms to the image of God through Christ Jesus.
So, we have so far concluded that problems in life can lead to our maturity or transformation or salvation of our souls.
Now, in case you’re asking, “How can we be sure that when we face problems it can help us become mature?”
Romans 5:5:
[5] And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
God loves us and sent his Son to die for us; in doing this, he demonstrated his love for us. We can rest assured that this transformation we are looking up to will not be short of our expectations. In fact, it will greatly exceed our expectations. If God loves us enough to die for us, there is NOTHING he cannot give to us.
As you “struggle” through the pain in this world, don’t lose sight that hard times are times of building our strength.
Proverbs 24:10:
“If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.”
Strength is built through knowledge. In fact, strength is knowledge. You’re only as strong as what you know.
See this, Jeremiah 9:23-24:
[23] Thus saith the LORD, Let not the mighty man glory in his might,...
[24] But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me,...
So, you’re as strong as you know the Lord.
Henceforth, when troubles meet you on the journey of life, I think you now know what to do.
If you have questions about life, faith, spirituality, existence, consciousness, the world around us, and everything in between, ask them here, and it may become part of a future edition. If you have previously asked a question, you can read the answers here.